a little girl’s prayer.

 

little A praying in earnest that the pudding popsicle’s (that we made that afternoon) will be ready to eat in time for dessert.

a mother comes undone.

june, july 2006… to may 2007ish

i think i kind of knew that there were signs.  signs of postpartum depression. 

the time when i ordered a chicken salad at a restaurant and literally cried because it was breaded chicken and not grilled chicken. 

or the time my friend found me lying on my couch in my pajamas at four o’clock in the afternoon.  a salty, tear stained face.  with 3 boxes of used kleenex littered around me.  i was an island of sadness while bunches of white tissue confettied the floor around me.

i tried to tell myself that the holiday to visit my family and extended family was going to make it better.  a break.  a rest.  a summer holiday.

not so much…

it was a “baby tour” (a chance for all to meet the new baby), not a holiday. 

i came home after a week of the baby tour and on july 19, 2006 i looked up online the signs of postpartum depression.  (by now i had thrown out the pamphlets from the health nurse with my mega packet of baby info, because, i thought, “I won’t get this; i won’t need this! pshaw!”)

checklist….  i fit just about every one of them.

•  insomnia

•  weepiness or sadness

•  diminished interest in once pleasurable activities

•  difficulty concentrating

•  change in appetite

•  anxiety

•  moodiness and irritability

•  withdrawal from family and friends

•  excessive guilt

•  panic attacks (symptoms include a racing heart, dizziness, confusion, and feelings of impending doom)

•  suicidal, scary, or constant negative thoughts

 

despite how much i love my daughter, still i felt so desperate and irrational that at times i felt like i wanted to put my baby in the dryer or drive my car off a bridge.  it’s hard to see that in writing, but it needs to be said to understand the severity of what i was going through.  

i called my local postpartum help line and a nice lady talked with me for quite some time.  her recommendation was to “go and see your doctor sooner than later.”   aka: yes, you have postpartum depression.  i saw my doctor the next day and we came up with a plan.  i never went on any medication, but looking back- yes- i probably should have. 

what has helped me?  what continues to help me?

hard work, exercise, fresh air, incrediblehusband, coffee, vitamin D through the occasional fake and bake tan, counselling with a professional (NOT the church lady that casually did counselling on the side- i was adamant about that), prayer in the daily-right-now way, less sugar, weekly mini-breaks from toddlergirl, the internet (strange, but true- the connection with others has been invaluable when i couldn’t always make it out of the house, or make it out of the house at a reasonable hour of the day), my best friend stopping by to make sure things were okay, photography (when shooting, not necessarily all the editing at 3am) and my organic produce delivered to my door weekly in a grocery delivery.

and i still struggle.  i still fail.  i still want to call it a day at times.  i still lose my temper and swear and just want to crawl into bed.  but i keep at it.   (toddlergirl has some major sleep issues, stemming from sensory processing disorder, but that’s a whole different topic).

it’s been a long 2 years and i certainly don’t have all the answers, but what i do know is that not enough is known about postpartum depression.   now that it has been sometime and i feel like i can look back at bit- i’m concerned at the lack of seriousness and attention that postpartum depression gets from our society.  it happens to more women (and their families) than you think.  i mean- i know not everyone gets it or understands it, but how come no one talks about it?  why is there such a stigma surrounding it?

so why do i write? 

why do i share?  

why do i put all these rather honest and raw emotions and thoughts out here?

for many reasons.

i share:

1)  to fill family and friends in and give them a small piece of some of the dark times we’ve been through.  people don’t come up to you and say “hey, so how is postpartum depression treating you these days?”  to explain (in part) why we seem to have dropped off the face of the earth.

2)  to help another mom or family that may be dealing with postpartum depression.  to pass on some information or resources that may help or give a glimmer of hope.

3)  because i like to talk about issues that matter.  i don’t like to sweep things under the rug.  i want to be upfront and honest about who i am and what i’ve been through.  i’m not all negative and dark clouds, but in order to better appreciate the great days and the fantastic things that make me come alive- i need to write about the valleys as well.  contrast is good.

4)  because it’s cathartic for me.  it  helps to see in words that i’ve come through something and i can write about it now from a healthier perspective.

these are just my personal experiences and feelings.  in no way am i a medical professional or giving advice one way or another.  if you have any concerns, please consult your healthcare professional.  (not to sound like a prescription advertisement or legal disclaimer- but seriously- this is just my take on my life).

i leave a few links to some valuable websites for postpartum depression:

http://postpartumprogress.typepad.com/weblog/

http://www.sbpep.org/index.php?content=ppd/pepppdsupporters.htm

http://postpartum.net/

******************

now that i’ve shared some of the latest areas of growth and change in my world-   what’s new and changing in your  world?  what stretches you and shapes you into a greater, different or stronger person?

to better things,

steph

 

weakness is beautiful.

“blessed is the person who knows his own weaknesses, because awareness of this becomes for him the foundation and beginning of all that is good and beautiful.  for whenever someone realizes and perceives that he is truly weak… he becomes all the more watchful of his soul.”

“”but no one can perceive his own weakness unless he has been remiss a little, has neglected some small thing, has been surrounded by trials, either on the matter of things which cause the body suffering, or in that way in which the soul is subject to selfish bondage (the passions).  only then, by comparing his own weakness, will he realize how great is the assistance which comes from God.”

“when someone is aware that he is in need of divine help, he makes many prayers, and once he has made supplication, his heart is humbled, for there is no one who is in need and asks who is not humbled.  a broken and humbled heart God will not despise.”

“as long as the heart is not humbled it cannot cease from wandering; for humility concentrates the heart.”

~St. Isaac the Syrian

“for whenever someone realizes and perceives that he is truly weak… he becomes all the more watchful of his soul.”  i love that line.  how watchful of our souls are we?  i’ve learned that with truth comes transparency.  in upcoming posts i plan to share more of what has shaped me and changed me- things that are raw and real.  so thank you for your continued reading and care.

to better things,

steph

ps- the above photos were all taken in saskatchewan when i used to go on a regular 9km gravel road walk.  some days i wouldn’t see any people, vehicles, dogs, cows, in the 2 hours it took me to walk it.  that takes solitude to a whole new level.

a fresh start

welcome to turning over a new leaf. 

it’s spring.  it’s the beginning of  easter weekend.  the buds on the trees are turning that perfect yellowy-green color.  that color that makes you know something great is about to happen.  i feel like the world has stopped for a couple days in which to take a deep breathe and start anew. 

sigh.

i realized during the doldrums of january winter that it was high time i had a blog that was no longer just about my baby, incidentally who is no longer a baby (aka toddlergirl).  indeed, it was time to have a fresh space that allowed time to think, write and interact about many things whirling about in that brain of mine. 

what kind of things, you ask?  oh well- let me rattle off a few….

parenthood and how come our generation seems to be somewhat thrown for a loop in all of it.  in this age of information, shouldn’t we be more prepared for the changes beyond knowing what brand name shoes or strollers are suitable for our offspring?  why isn’t there more talk of the emotional and psychological changes parenting can have on a person?

let’s talk about postpartum depression and the fact that it’s still treated like something you can “snap out of,” or the lack of support and looking forward -what we can do about it.

maybe we’ll discuss organized church and north american “big box” church (as i like to call it).  is the current model the best way to live out a faith?  are we more interested in marketing and branding faith instead of creating an authentic community?

and maybe we’ll talk about marriage and how to not only maintain it with the daily grind, but make sure it is tended to and grows year by year.

don’t worry - i like to talk about not so serious things as well. 

like how to make the perfect chocolate chip cookie, my recent addiction to coke zero, the fact that i don’t care i wear yoga pants but don’t do yoga, color forecasting – (which is SO ridiculously fascinating to me), how brand name crayons so rock the socks off cheap no name ones, nosy neighbours, admitting i watch america’s next top model, my feeble attempts at painting (haha), and much more randomness.

please feel free to interact.  i heart comments.  it’s sometimes lonely wondering if you’re being heard.  besides… i want to hear what you think about some of these topics.  maybe you can enlighten me and others and we can grow.

to better things,

steph

 ps-and yes, there will be the usual photo-goodness as well.