5 things i’m loving right now.

1.  starbucks winter blend.  available at costco for a reasonable price.  it’s in the dark blue packaging with snowflakes adorned on the outside of the bag.  i’m slowly getting back into coffee.  i think the morning sickness is slightly abating and i crave the occasional cup again.  this coffee is hands down fantastic- it’s earthy, and spicy, and just the thing for a crisp morning.

2.  my new slippers.  they’re totally old lady slippers- isotoner brand with soft lining and a leather sole- but they are the best thing to put on these ice cube feet of mine.  london drugs.  $10.00. 

3.  christmas music.  i must explain myself.  toddlergirl is completely and utterly freaked out by halloween.  i like halloween.  i would love to take her trick or treating just to show off her cuteness and accquire some candy loot -  but she is adamantly set against it.  so- we skip halloween around here and look straight on forward to the next holiday: christmas.  therefore the christmas music has been dug out of the crawl space and toddlergirl is already singing with vigor.

4.  baby names.  we’re starting to peruse baby names.  we’ve got awhile to go, but names are so fascinating to me.  the origin, the meanings, the syllables, initials…

as usual, we will remain top secret with the names until the baby is born.  but until then- it is great fun to see what names we like.

5.  friends.  i’m always thankful for friends, but as of late we’ve done a lot of catching up.  we’ve had a chance to meet new friends, old friends- high school friends, college friends.  we’ve spent the last couple of weekends in some serious social happenings and it’s been a blast.

to better things,

steph

goodbyes.

i’m getting really good at saying goodbyes.  over the past year i’ve said goodbye to my best friend who moved back to her home in the beautiful peace region.  i’ve said goodbye to these dear friends last spring who are now in africa.  and just this week i’ve said goodbye to these friends who will literally be on the other side of the world for the next three years.

phew.

i’ve shed a few tears lately.

to my friends that are literally boarding a plane right now (with their one year old daughter):

i will miss you heidi, my friend with gorgeous, licorice black hair and an infectious laugh.  who will go to mommy martini night and sex and the city movie’s with me?  i will miss your honesty and encouragement.  our photo walks were great fun and can’t wait to see what photos you’ll take with that new nikon in papua new guinea.

ps. and to my friends still here in bc… please stay!  i don’t want to say any more goodbyes for awhile!

to better things,

steph

standing in line.

the post office.

i have to admit that i miss the old post offices where the scent of the building was noticeably different when you walked in.  the smell a distinct mixture of paper, glue, and ink.  for some reason everyone talked in hushed tones, as though it was a library or a sacred building.   the same post office lady would ask how your day was and make polite weather related conversation.

nowadays the accessible convenience of the drugstore/post office combination is the new thing.  under the fluorescent lights, you can mail a parcel and pick up shampoo or a pack of gum in the same store.  handy, i admit.  but somehow the charm is lost, at least on me.

toddlergirl and i had to make a trek to the post office.  we rounded the crystal light drinks and snack aisle to see a line at least five people deep snaking all the way back into the pringle chips and pretzels.  the mail i had to send needed to go.  there was no putting it off.  we stepped up into the line.  and waited. 

toddlergirl was attached to my hip.  it works for both of us in this situation.  a certain level of cuddles and attention for her.  a certain level of control and not-losing-our-spot in-line-running-throughout-the store-chasing-her, for me.

this put toddlergirl at eye level with the lady in line behind us. 

“oh, helloooo there!” the old lady in a stained floral (in a bad way) shirt sings to toddlergirl.

toddlergirl blinks.  observes.

i look over my shoulder. smile. nod.

“i wouldn’t want to be her age.  these days the world is not good.  not good indeed.  imagine how the world will be 18 years from now for her.”  the floral lady chimes on in more of a statement than a question.

hmmm…  (i ponder).  what is the response (if any) that i should be making to this nutty old lady?

i have noticed that when you have children the world feels a little bit more entitled to step in and make comments, judgments, suggestions.  most of which i am glad and happy to entertain or amuse.  having a child has made me, forced me to realize just how different we all really are.

the conversation shifted immediately (on her behalf) to the dvd she was mailing her nephew who just graduated from high school.  she had spent the last year and a half compiling old family photos and scanning them to make a slide show presentation.  she carried on to tell me that her parents had both passed away already and that she wanted to have a reminder for her family and the generations to come of who she was. 

the cynical person in me bit my lip to remind her that the digital media she was using was a product of the fast-paced world we live in today.  a product of the ever changing world in which 30 years ago people in post office lines might have looked at each other and clicked their tongues and went on about “what was this world coming to?”  i bit my lip again in thinking that the world we live in today that allows us jpegs, mpegs, raw, pdf, zip, psd, flash, embedding, dvix- the programs and formats she was using to be remembered by… were probably not going to be very accessible 20 years from now.

instead i smiled and chatted. 

i answered her questions as to why her black and white photos from the turn of the century scanned better than the color shots from the 1950’s. (that would be that cameras were more common in the 1950’s and you can thank the industrial revolution for the mass reproducing and suburbanization of technology).

i answered her questions as to why the people in the old black and white’s were so stiff looking and didn’t smile (long exposure- the camera was a relatively new invention-portraits were taken to document a family, not necessarily evoke emotion-photographs were replacing painted portraits).

i wondered if she realized the irony in her statements about “the world these days not being good?”  is she fearful of the future? 

yes, toddlergirl will have a different world to live in than i did.  i have a different world to live in than my parents.  my parents have a different world to live in than their parents.  and so it goes. 

how do we bridge or join the gap between family generations that this always shifting world we live in creates?  how does “standing in line”- the time line, the linear family tree, look to you?

i kind of liked her family slide show idea.  if i do anything like that i’ll just make darn sure to transfer the files along with the newest media format.

embracing mommyness (for today)

it’s a bright monday morning.  mid-june. our pantry is void of coffee beans.  i refuse to drink decaf in the morning.  toddlergirl and i each slip into our pink flipflops and head out the door to the nearest largest retail coffee chain (hint: they wear green aprons.  and if they’re really good baristas- they wear black aprons).  i admit that i’m usually a drive-thru gal (slap on hands for idling my car).  but come on!  i have places to go and dirty diapers to change and costco lists to complete- i truly am a suburbanite. 

today is different though.  it may be that the sun has finally made an appearance and with it the casualness of summer has arrived.  we park the car and go in to the coffee shop.  toddlergirl likes her hot cocoa.  i am deliriously happy with an americano.  we go all out and order a ginger cookie as well.  i stake out the place.  there are two distinct “districts” happening.  there is the business people district:  laptops open, papers shifting, cellphones placed trophy-esque on the corner of the table.  and clear on the other side of the coffee shop is the parenthood district: sippy cups, diaper bags, crayons, and soothers readily placed right beside our cellphones.  our cellphones are no longer for the business of work.  they are used for the work of busyness. 

we sit.  we sip.  i remind toddlergirl to “sit on her bum”.  i remind toddlergirl to “be careful.”  i remind toddlergirl again to “sit on her bum.”  she wants to turn around and observe the mom and two little girls sitting behind us.  the little girl at that table informs her mom that she needs to go potty.  the mom gives a small sigh.  i know what she’s thinking.  really?  now?  but consistency is the glue of parenting and that is what i am learning.  so if little girl needs to go, well- consistency.

the mom stands up and turns around to take her to the washroom.  our eyes meet.  i am already offering to keep an eye on her table and her bag.  before i even get my full sentence out, she asks if she can leave the 8 month old baby (who is happy and in her carseat) with us as well.  “sure,” i say and kind of shrug my shoulders and smile. 

the mom comes back and thanks us.  the little girl is protective of her little sister and reminds toddlergirl that the baby is “her” baby.  we turn our chairs and begin to chat.  we become friends.  we exchange cards with emails and phone numbers. 

as i pulled away from the coffe shop in my car i began to think…

is this… the mommy pick-up?  we get along.  we have similar tastes in clothing, children’s names, photography, handbags, and we were even both wearing the same nailpolish color.  she seems to have similar parenting styles to me and we both have moved to the outskirts of the “big city” within the last year.

is this how it works?  i admit that it’s taken me a long while to get used to being comfortable even being a “mom.”  at times i would prefer to be sitting on the other side of the coffee shop in the business district- wearing a crisp white blouse (with no worries of coffee spilling on it) and dress pants and making phone calls to clients. 

i feel like i am standing in the middle of that coffee shop.  somedays i want to be on the mommy side and other days on the business side.  is is possible to really have them both right now and to handle both well?  i know it’s not impossible, but what will give? 

***********

today is a rainy thursday and i am embracing the mommy side.  we had a playdate this morning that involved eating peanut butter cookies and dancing to jitterbug music.  yesterday was the business side that involved scouting out wedding shoot locations and touring a golf course. 

for now i’ve decided that switching hats is alright.  today it’s yoga pants and no makeup and glasses.  and macaroni and cheese for lunch.  and i’m okay with that.

to better things,

steph

 

neighbourboy

meet neighbourboy:

he lives one door down.  we have a backyard “open gate” policy with our immediate next door neighbours.  they are GREAT neighbours.  i’m serious.  they are awesome neighbours.  you can’t always say that about all your neighbours, so you definitely appreciate the fantastic ones.  anyways… neighbourboy came over to play with toddlergirl last week.   

toddlergirl is used to the camera.  it was practically one of her first words “click!”  neighbourboy is suspicious of me.  he’s not used to the mamarazzi (mom+paparazzi).  check him out.  he’s looking at me “what is that black contraption in front of her eyes?”

 toddlergirl is ticked.  (look at those eyebrows!)  she has no siblings.  she does not like sharing.  she needs to learn to share.  she needs to learn to LIKE to share.

toddlergirl thinks neighbourboy might be okay. 

yep, he might even be cool.

we can gather water together.  this is fun.

lets be friends!  i’ll drink (from my water pail) to that!  cheers!

yuck!  pool water tastes gross! 

a mother begins to lose it.

april, may, june, july 2006

things have not gone well.  this whole transition to motherhood- nope, not easy.  how come no one warned me?  i’m a little upset at the lack of honesty.  humanity has let me down.  why didn’t any of the mom’s come clean beforehand and tell me the brutal truth?!  is that what all the code language is around 8 months when people say “make sure you rest now, because you won’t when the baby comes!” or “having a baby sure changed my life!” if i could go back in time, i would look them in the eyes and say – “expand on that please.”

delivery was easy (enough).  check mark. good. done. survived.  anything now is easy-peasy, right?

nursing.  not good.

sleeping.  not good.

a “good” baby.  (translation: an easy baby). not looking so good.

*

oh, but i have a few things i can say YES to:

mastitis? a resounding yes (twice actually)

thrush? yes.

feeding problems beyond latching issues.  absolutely.

feeling like a mom that wants to call it a day.  every day.  yes.

*

a mother’s group.  THAT is supposed to help.  support, right? the idea is suggested to me.  it’s not new.  it’s in the swackload of baby propaganda that comes from the hospital and the public health nurse and the community. 

yes.  i need to get out more.  i need to connect with other moms.  we can all bond together and make chit chat about our babies.  our babes will grow up and become the bestest of friends ever.  (insert cynicism here).

attitude check.

okay.  i’ll go. 

i pack up the stroller with the essentials.  i’ve got it down to an art by now.  just the bare necessities.  (plus a bit more). 

it feels like the first day of high school.  you have to get the timing just right for these things.  if you arrive too early you can’t control who sits next to you.  if you arrive too late, you have no control over where you get to sit.  dinner parties are like this too. 

strollers are strewn to the side in what looks like a parking lot of amusement bumper cars.  the rainbow colors of the strollers brightening up the lack of atmosphere.  gym mats on the floor.  white brick walls.  it’s the inside of a community centre.  we get to sit on the cobalt blue gym mats.  oh fun.  they smell like stinky gymnastics and dirty feet.  all the mom’s are sitting in a huge circle.  there is probably fifty or more of us.  we all lay out our soft receiving blankets and gently set our infants in front of us like prized cakes.  it looks like a large, pastel picnic. 

the leader begins and we go around the circle with a microphone saying our name and the baby’s name and how old he/she is.  then we get a little lesson on brushing our infants teeth and when and how to go about it.  my baby is barely 2 months old.  i’m more worried about getting her to eat and survive at this point then oral hygiene. 

i notice that there isn’t really support.  it’s competition. 

stroller envy. 

my-kid-is-already-doing-this-bragging.

what?!-your-kid-hasn’t-done-that-yet?! 

your-doctor-said-to-do-what?

does-your-kid-do-this?

nice-shoes-those-are-the-best-for infants!  (there’s a *best* for everything with babies).

is-your-baby-sleeping-through-the-night-yet?

*

and the things not spoken.

she’s-in-better-shape-than-me (already)

 at-least-my-kid-has-hair!

formula?!-breast milk-is-best!-how-lazy-of-her.

she’s-not-going-back-to-work?

she’s-back-at-work-already?

*

i quit going to mother support groups after awhile.  it was constant competition.  or at the very least, constant comparisons.  not how i wanted to spend my time.  i’m sure many groups are great.  but it wasn’t for me.

why is it that just because we all gave birth to babies around the same month- we all should be friends?  it’s as ridiculous and random as saying “just because you and i like coffee- we will get along great”. 

i start to come undone. 

a mother begins to lose it.

a fresh start

welcome to turning over a new leaf. 

it’s spring.  it’s the beginning of  easter weekend.  the buds on the trees are turning that perfect yellowy-green color.  that color that makes you know something great is about to happen.  i feel like the world has stopped for a couple days in which to take a deep breathe and start anew. 

sigh.

i realized during the doldrums of january winter that it was high time i had a blog that was no longer just about my baby, incidentally who is no longer a baby (aka toddlergirl).  indeed, it was time to have a fresh space that allowed time to think, write and interact about many things whirling about in that brain of mine. 

what kind of things, you ask?  oh well- let me rattle off a few….

parenthood and how come our generation seems to be somewhat thrown for a loop in all of it.  in this age of information, shouldn’t we be more prepared for the changes beyond knowing what brand name shoes or strollers are suitable for our offspring?  why isn’t there more talk of the emotional and psychological changes parenting can have on a person?

let’s talk about postpartum depression and the fact that it’s still treated like something you can “snap out of,” or the lack of support and looking forward -what we can do about it.

maybe we’ll discuss organized church and north american “big box” church (as i like to call it).  is the current model the best way to live out a faith?  are we more interested in marketing and branding faith instead of creating an authentic community?

and maybe we’ll talk about marriage and how to not only maintain it with the daily grind, but make sure it is tended to and grows year by year.

don’t worry - i like to talk about not so serious things as well. 

like how to make the perfect chocolate chip cookie, my recent addiction to coke zero, the fact that i don’t care i wear yoga pants but don’t do yoga, color forecasting – (which is SO ridiculously fascinating to me), how brand name crayons so rock the socks off cheap no name ones, nosy neighbours, admitting i watch america’s next top model, my feeble attempts at painting (haha), and much more randomness.

please feel free to interact.  i heart comments.  it’s sometimes lonely wondering if you’re being heard.  besides… i want to hear what you think about some of these topics.  maybe you can enlighten me and others and we can grow.

to better things,

steph

 ps-and yes, there will be the usual photo-goodness as well.