a mother comes undone.

june, july 2006… to may 2007ish

i think i kind of knew that there were signs.  signs of postpartum depression. 

the time when i ordered a chicken salad at a restaurant and literally cried because it was breaded chicken and not grilled chicken. 

or the time my friend found me lying on my couch in my pajamas at four o’clock in the afternoon.  a salty, tear stained face.  with 3 boxes of used kleenex littered around me.  i was an island of sadness while bunches of white tissue confettied the floor around me.

i tried to tell myself that the holiday to visit my family and extended family was going to make it better.  a break.  a rest.  a summer holiday.

not so much…

it was a “baby tour” (a chance for all to meet the new baby), not a holiday. 

i came home after a week of the baby tour and on july 19, 2006 i looked up online the signs of postpartum depression.  (by now i had thrown out the pamphlets from the health nurse with my mega packet of baby info, because, i thought, “I won’t get this; i won’t need this! pshaw!”)

checklist….  i fit just about every one of them.

•  insomnia

•  weepiness or sadness

•  diminished interest in once pleasurable activities

•  difficulty concentrating

•  change in appetite

•  anxiety

•  moodiness and irritability

•  withdrawal from family and friends

•  excessive guilt

•  panic attacks (symptoms include a racing heart, dizziness, confusion, and feelings of impending doom)

•  suicidal, scary, or constant negative thoughts

 

despite how much i love my daughter, still i felt so desperate and irrational that at times i felt like i wanted to put my baby in the dryer or drive my car off a bridge.  it’s hard to see that in writing, but it needs to be said to understand the severity of what i was going through.  

i called my local postpartum help line and a nice lady talked with me for quite some time.  her recommendation was to “go and see your doctor sooner than later.”   aka: yes, you have postpartum depression.  i saw my doctor the next day and we came up with a plan.  i never went on any medication, but looking back- yes- i probably should have. 

what has helped me?  what continues to help me?

hard work, exercise, fresh air, incrediblehusband, coffee, vitamin D through the occasional fake and bake tan, counselling with a professional (NOT the church lady that casually did counselling on the side- i was adamant about that), prayer in the daily-right-now way, less sugar, weekly mini-breaks from toddlergirl, the internet (strange, but true- the connection with others has been invaluable when i couldn’t always make it out of the house, or make it out of the house at a reasonable hour of the day), my best friend stopping by to make sure things were okay, photography (when shooting, not necessarily all the editing at 3am) and my organic produce delivered to my door weekly in a grocery delivery.

and i still struggle.  i still fail.  i still want to call it a day at times.  i still lose my temper and swear and just want to crawl into bed.  but i keep at it.   (toddlergirl has some major sleep issues, stemming from sensory processing disorder, but that’s a whole different topic).

it’s been a long 2 years and i certainly don’t have all the answers, but what i do know is that not enough is known about postpartum depression.   now that it has been sometime and i feel like i can look back at bit- i’m concerned at the lack of seriousness and attention that postpartum depression gets from our society.  it happens to more women (and their families) than you think.  i mean- i know not everyone gets it or understands it, but how come no one talks about it?  why is there such a stigma surrounding it?

so why do i write? 

why do i share?  

why do i put all these rather honest and raw emotions and thoughts out here?

for many reasons.

i share:

1)  to fill family and friends in and give them a small piece of some of the dark times we’ve been through.  people don’t come up to you and say “hey, so how is postpartum depression treating you these days?”  to explain (in part) why we seem to have dropped off the face of the earth.

2)  to help another mom or family that may be dealing with postpartum depression.  to pass on some information or resources that may help or give a glimmer of hope.

3)  because i like to talk about issues that matter.  i don’t like to sweep things under the rug.  i want to be upfront and honest about who i am and what i’ve been through.  i’m not all negative and dark clouds, but in order to better appreciate the great days and the fantastic things that make me come alive- i need to write about the valleys as well.  contrast is good.

4)  because it’s cathartic for me.  it  helps to see in words that i’ve come through something and i can write about it now from a healthier perspective.

these are just my personal experiences and feelings.  in no way am i a medical professional or giving advice one way or another.  if you have any concerns, please consult your healthcare professional.  (not to sound like a prescription advertisement or legal disclaimer- but seriously- this is just my take on my life).

i leave a few links to some valuable websites for postpartum depression:

http://postpartumprogress.typepad.com/weblog/

http://www.sbpep.org/index.php?content=ppd/pepppdsupporters.htm

http://postpartum.net/

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now that i’ve shared some of the latest areas of growth and change in my world-   what’s new and changing in your  world?  what stretches you and shapes you into a greater, different or stronger person?

to better things,

steph