a mother begins to lose it.

april, may, june, july 2006

things have not gone well.  this whole transition to motherhood- nope, not easy.  how come no one warned me?  i’m a little upset at the lack of honesty.  humanity has let me down.  why didn’t any of the mom’s come clean beforehand and tell me the brutal truth?!  is that what all the code language is around 8 months when people say “make sure you rest now, because you won’t when the baby comes!” or “having a baby sure changed my life!” if i could go back in time, i would look them in the eyes and say – “expand on that please.”

delivery was easy (enough).  check mark. good. done. survived.  anything now is easy-peasy, right?

nursing.  not good.

sleeping.  not good.

a “good” baby.  (translation: an easy baby). not looking so good.

*

oh, but i have a few things i can say YES to:

mastitis? a resounding yes (twice actually)

thrush? yes.

feeding problems beyond latching issues.  absolutely.

feeling like a mom that wants to call it a day.  every day.  yes.

*

a mother’s group.  THAT is supposed to help.  support, right? the idea is suggested to me.  it’s not new.  it’s in the swackload of baby propaganda that comes from the hospital and the public health nurse and the community. 

yes.  i need to get out more.  i need to connect with other moms.  we can all bond together and make chit chat about our babies.  our babes will grow up and become the bestest of friends ever.  (insert cynicism here).

attitude check.

okay.  i’ll go. 

i pack up the stroller with the essentials.  i’ve got it down to an art by now.  just the bare necessities.  (plus a bit more). 

it feels like the first day of high school.  you have to get the timing just right for these things.  if you arrive too early you can’t control who sits next to you.  if you arrive too late, you have no control over where you get to sit.  dinner parties are like this too. 

strollers are strewn to the side in what looks like a parking lot of amusement bumper cars.  the rainbow colors of the strollers brightening up the lack of atmosphere.  gym mats on the floor.  white brick walls.  it’s the inside of a community centre.  we get to sit on the cobalt blue gym mats.  oh fun.  they smell like stinky gymnastics and dirty feet.  all the mom’s are sitting in a huge circle.  there is probably fifty or more of us.  we all lay out our soft receiving blankets and gently set our infants in front of us like prized cakes.  it looks like a large, pastel picnic. 

the leader begins and we go around the circle with a microphone saying our name and the baby’s name and how old he/she is.  then we get a little lesson on brushing our infants teeth and when and how to go about it.  my baby is barely 2 months old.  i’m more worried about getting her to eat and survive at this point then oral hygiene. 

i notice that there isn’t really support.  it’s competition. 

stroller envy. 

my-kid-is-already-doing-this-bragging.

what?!-your-kid-hasn’t-done-that-yet?! 

your-doctor-said-to-do-what?

does-your-kid-do-this?

nice-shoes-those-are-the-best-for infants!  (there’s a *best* for everything with babies).

is-your-baby-sleeping-through-the-night-yet?

*

and the things not spoken.

she’s-in-better-shape-than-me (already)

 at-least-my-kid-has-hair!

formula?!-breast milk-is-best!-how-lazy-of-her.

she’s-not-going-back-to-work?

she’s-back-at-work-already?

*

i quit going to mother support groups after awhile.  it was constant competition.  or at the very least, constant comparisons.  not how i wanted to spend my time.  i’m sure many groups are great.  but it wasn’t for me.

why is it that just because we all gave birth to babies around the same month- we all should be friends?  it’s as ridiculous and random as saying “just because you and i like coffee- we will get along great”. 

i start to come undone. 

a mother begins to lose it.