tulips

*

* 

buttercup

more photos from my backyard series…

dandelion seed

finding the unseen beauty in my backyard.

kitchen/hallway before and after

this post is more for family and friends that have known how ridiculously long it has taken us to finish the kitchen renovation we started almost a year ago when we moved in!  the before photos are the previous owner’s and the after is how it is today (finally. sigh).  a move, a reno, a flood, a move…

the finishing touches were completed may long weekend.  a huge thanks goes out to r&b!  you guys made this kitchen happen.  also to mom and dad for all the babysitting and jon d. and cousin mike for the demolition phase.

come over for a coffee or a glass of wine

to better things,

steph

 

hallway BEFORE

hallway AFTER

hallway AFTER 

ugly pantry be gone BEFORE

fridge is nice here AFTER

sink & counter BEFORE

sink & counter AFTER

oven & counter BEFORE

oven & counter AFTER

snack bar & fluorescent light BEFORE

new counter i love you AFTER

*kitchen overview AFTER

dining room BEFORE

*dining room AFTER

*dining room AFTER

neighbourboy

meet neighbourboy:

he lives one door down.  we have a backyard “open gate” policy with our immediate next door neighbours.  they are GREAT neighbours.  i’m serious.  they are awesome neighbours.  you can’t always say that about all your neighbours, so you definitely appreciate the fantastic ones.  anyways… neighbourboy came over to play with toddlergirl last week.   

toddlergirl is used to the camera.  it was practically one of her first words “click!”  neighbourboy is suspicious of me.  he’s not used to the mamarazzi (mom+paparazzi).  check him out.  he’s looking at me “what is that black contraption in front of her eyes?”

 toddlergirl is ticked.  (look at those eyebrows!)  she has no siblings.  she does not like sharing.  she needs to learn to share.  she needs to learn to LIKE to share.

toddlergirl thinks neighbourboy might be okay. 

yep, he might even be cool.

we can gather water together.  this is fun.

lets be friends!  i’ll drink (from my water pail) to that!  cheers!

yuck!  pool water tastes gross! 

robin egg blue

nature’s palette inspires me. 

i absolutely love this shade of blue and the mossy/twig colours of the nest. 

*  

to better things,

steph

fielding requests for a motorbike

we’ve had very little sleep around here.  i think i possibly  had 3 hours of sleep last night.  toddlergirl may have had 6 hours, but it was very discombobulated.  she’s just can’t seem to sleep.

that’s why moments and photos like this one (taken last month) are rare:

 

(this photo was taken after 2 flights, a two hour car drive, and 20 distant relatives in one house.  she was finally exhausted).  

it’s the first time she’s fallen asleep with the light on and i could take a photo!  (okay… a slight exaggeration.  minus that first week of being a newborn and all, but other then that).

**********

in other complete randomness (or possibly because of our incredible lack of zzz’s)- toddlergirl stopped me today and said…

“mommy?  i would like a hot pink bike.  a motorbike.” 

(just to clarify she in fact did say motorbike and not a tricycle or bicycle).

i conceded.  but not until she’s 18. 

 

to better things (like happy-feels-like-monday, but it’s-actually-tuesday-already!)

steph

EDITED for comments:

a staple in our home is the ethical bean coffee  available at costco.  earthy and smoky tasting. 

i also like starbucks organic mexican shade grown coffee  and you can’t go wrong with their breakfast blend.

yes.  i should have bought stocks in a coffee company.  i usually drink about 3-4 cups a day.  which isn’t a crazy amount, but they are strong cups of coffee.  i add a splash of milk and a  teaspoon of organic cane sugar.

a mother learns, grows, loves.

i woke up on mother’s day last week to a very quiet house.  this is not usual.  our daughter is usually up by 7:30am singing, or dancing (or whining), but nevertheless- always making some significant clamour.

i peek out the front window.  the car is gone.  hmmm… now just what could they be up to?

certainly a pleasant time to make a hot cup of coffee and sit and read email and actually get to read through an entire email or drink an entire cup of coffee without any interruptions- hurray!

my email pops up with a picture message from incrediblehusband’s cellphone.  there’s my toddlergirl holding a gigantic bouquet (meaning 8 bouquets!) of tulips! 

they came home shortly after i received the email and proceeded to make pancakes with strawberries and whip cream, bacon and fluffy white cake (a favourite of mine). 

as we sat down for brunch toddlergirl asks with the most sincere eyes if we can listen to “jhack jhohnshon pwease?”  it seems the “banana pancakes” song must be played whenever we eat pancakes

i had a lovely mother’s day.  the first mother’s day that was extra lovely and didn’t include any mother’s day rants (my regular readers shall remember from last year).  deep breath.  no rants.  life is looking up. 

thanks to incrediblehusband and toddlergirl for a special day!

 

to better things,

steph

a mother comes undone.

june, july 2006… to may 2007ish

i think i kind of knew that there were signs.  signs of postpartum depression. 

the time when i ordered a chicken salad at a restaurant and literally cried because it was breaded chicken and not grilled chicken. 

or the time my friend found me lying on my couch in my pajamas at four o’clock in the afternoon.  a salty, tear stained face.  with 3 boxes of used kleenex littered around me.  i was an island of sadness while bunches of white tissue confettied the floor around me.

i tried to tell myself that the holiday to visit my family and extended family was going to make it better.  a break.  a rest.  a summer holiday.

not so much…

it was a “baby tour” (a chance for all to meet the new baby), not a holiday. 

i came home after a week of the baby tour and on july 19, 2006 i looked up online the signs of postpartum depression.  (by now i had thrown out the pamphlets from the health nurse with my mega packet of baby info, because, i thought, “I won’t get this; i won’t need this! pshaw!”)

checklist….  i fit just about every one of them.

•  insomnia

•  weepiness or sadness

•  diminished interest in once pleasurable activities

•  difficulty concentrating

•  change in appetite

•  anxiety

•  moodiness and irritability

•  withdrawal from family and friends

•  excessive guilt

•  panic attacks (symptoms include a racing heart, dizziness, confusion, and feelings of impending doom)

•  suicidal, scary, or constant negative thoughts

 

despite how much i love my daughter, still i felt so desperate and irrational that at times i felt like i wanted to put my baby in the dryer or drive my car off a bridge.  it’s hard to see that in writing, but it needs to be said to understand the severity of what i was going through.  

i called my local postpartum help line and a nice lady talked with me for quite some time.  her recommendation was to “go and see your doctor sooner than later.”   aka: yes, you have postpartum depression.  i saw my doctor the next day and we came up with a plan.  i never went on any medication, but looking back- yes- i probably should have. 

what has helped me?  what continues to help me?

hard work, exercise, fresh air, incrediblehusband, coffee, vitamin D through the occasional fake and bake tan, counselling with a professional (NOT the church lady that casually did counselling on the side- i was adamant about that), prayer in the daily-right-now way, less sugar, weekly mini-breaks from toddlergirl, the internet (strange, but true- the connection with others has been invaluable when i couldn’t always make it out of the house, or make it out of the house at a reasonable hour of the day), my best friend stopping by to make sure things were okay, photography (when shooting, not necessarily all the editing at 3am) and my organic produce delivered to my door weekly in a grocery delivery.

and i still struggle.  i still fail.  i still want to call it a day at times.  i still lose my temper and swear and just want to crawl into bed.  but i keep at it.   (toddlergirl has some major sleep issues, stemming from sensory processing disorder, but that’s a whole different topic).

it’s been a long 2 years and i certainly don’t have all the answers, but what i do know is that not enough is known about postpartum depression.   now that it has been sometime and i feel like i can look back at bit- i’m concerned at the lack of seriousness and attention that postpartum depression gets from our society.  it happens to more women (and their families) than you think.  i mean- i know not everyone gets it or understands it, but how come no one talks about it?  why is there such a stigma surrounding it?

so why do i write? 

why do i share?  

why do i put all these rather honest and raw emotions and thoughts out here?

for many reasons.

i share:

1)  to fill family and friends in and give them a small piece of some of the dark times we’ve been through.  people don’t come up to you and say “hey, so how is postpartum depression treating you these days?”  to explain (in part) why we seem to have dropped off the face of the earth.

2)  to help another mom or family that may be dealing with postpartum depression.  to pass on some information or resources that may help or give a glimmer of hope.

3)  because i like to talk about issues that matter.  i don’t like to sweep things under the rug.  i want to be upfront and honest about who i am and what i’ve been through.  i’m not all negative and dark clouds, but in order to better appreciate the great days and the fantastic things that make me come alive- i need to write about the valleys as well.  contrast is good.

4)  because it’s cathartic for me.  it  helps to see in words that i’ve come through something and i can write about it now from a healthier perspective.

these are just my personal experiences and feelings.  in no way am i a medical professional or giving advice one way or another.  if you have any concerns, please consult your healthcare professional.  (not to sound like a prescription advertisement or legal disclaimer- but seriously- this is just my take on my life).

i leave a few links to some valuable websites for postpartum depression:

http://postpartumprogress.typepad.com/weblog/

http://www.sbpep.org/index.php?content=ppd/pepppdsupporters.htm

http://postpartum.net/

******************

now that i’ve shared some of the latest areas of growth and change in my world-   what’s new and changing in your  world?  what stretches you and shapes you into a greater, different or stronger person?

to better things,

steph

 

a mother begins to lose it.

april, may, june, july 2006

things have not gone well.  this whole transition to motherhood- nope, not easy.  how come no one warned me?  i’m a little upset at the lack of honesty.  humanity has let me down.  why didn’t any of the mom’s come clean beforehand and tell me the brutal truth?!  is that what all the code language is around 8 months when people say “make sure you rest now, because you won’t when the baby comes!” or “having a baby sure changed my life!” if i could go back in time, i would look them in the eyes and say – “expand on that please.”

delivery was easy (enough).  check mark. good. done. survived.  anything now is easy-peasy, right?

nursing.  not good.

sleeping.  not good.

a “good” baby.  (translation: an easy baby). not looking so good.

*

oh, but i have a few things i can say YES to:

mastitis? a resounding yes (twice actually)

thrush? yes.

feeding problems beyond latching issues.  absolutely.

feeling like a mom that wants to call it a day.  every day.  yes.

*

a mother’s group.  THAT is supposed to help.  support, right? the idea is suggested to me.  it’s not new.  it’s in the swackload of baby propaganda that comes from the hospital and the public health nurse and the community. 

yes.  i need to get out more.  i need to connect with other moms.  we can all bond together and make chit chat about our babies.  our babes will grow up and become the bestest of friends ever.  (insert cynicism here).

attitude check.

okay.  i’ll go. 

i pack up the stroller with the essentials.  i’ve got it down to an art by now.  just the bare necessities.  (plus a bit more). 

it feels like the first day of high school.  you have to get the timing just right for these things.  if you arrive too early you can’t control who sits next to you.  if you arrive too late, you have no control over where you get to sit.  dinner parties are like this too. 

strollers are strewn to the side in what looks like a parking lot of amusement bumper cars.  the rainbow colors of the strollers brightening up the lack of atmosphere.  gym mats on the floor.  white brick walls.  it’s the inside of a community centre.  we get to sit on the cobalt blue gym mats.  oh fun.  they smell like stinky gymnastics and dirty feet.  all the mom’s are sitting in a huge circle.  there is probably fifty or more of us.  we all lay out our soft receiving blankets and gently set our infants in front of us like prized cakes.  it looks like a large, pastel picnic. 

the leader begins and we go around the circle with a microphone saying our name and the baby’s name and how old he/she is.  then we get a little lesson on brushing our infants teeth and when and how to go about it.  my baby is barely 2 months old.  i’m more worried about getting her to eat and survive at this point then oral hygiene. 

i notice that there isn’t really support.  it’s competition. 

stroller envy. 

my-kid-is-already-doing-this-bragging.

what?!-your-kid-hasn’t-done-that-yet?! 

your-doctor-said-to-do-what?

does-your-kid-do-this?

nice-shoes-those-are-the-best-for infants!  (there’s a *best* for everything with babies).

is-your-baby-sleeping-through-the-night-yet?

*

and the things not spoken.

she’s-in-better-shape-than-me (already)

 at-least-my-kid-has-hair!

formula?!-breast milk-is-best!-how-lazy-of-her.

she’s-not-going-back-to-work?

she’s-back-at-work-already?

*

i quit going to mother support groups after awhile.  it was constant competition.  or at the very least, constant comparisons.  not how i wanted to spend my time.  i’m sure many groups are great.  but it wasn’t for me.

why is it that just because we all gave birth to babies around the same month- we all should be friends?  it’s as ridiculous and random as saying “just because you and i like coffee- we will get along great”. 

i start to come undone. 

a mother begins to lose it.